Psalm 30:11

So much is happening in me. I am crying as I type this because I feel like God is bringing back many memories. I know this year is going to be so much better for us than 2011. These tears are just remembering the pain of last year. I am listening to songs again that helped bring me through that trial in our lives. I was so close to God and it seemed everything fell apart all at one time. I never knew you could be so high on a mountain top and think your life is great and then hit rock bottom. I have more compassion for people than ever before. I know how a person could have a family and a home and then become homeless. It all can happen so fast. His family could die in a crash in an instant. He could turn to drinking or drugs to ease the pain. He could lose it all and literally be homeless. Then, he is judged by people that walk by him. They don’t look at him in the eyes and all they see is a hopeless man that made the wrong decisions. They don’t know him. They don’t know he cries himself to sleep every night. The pain of losing his family is so deep. He wishes he would have just died himself. But, instead he lives a life of people judging him and does anything he can to ease the daily pain. People mock him…not with their words, but with their actions. He knows what they are thinking. He knows they call themselves Christians and he doesn’t want anything to do with the God they say they believe in. Why should he? This is the only God he sees and it is not a loving God. Why are we this way? Why am I this way? Have I turned a cheek to this lost and dying world? Do I pass people by even when I see the pain in their eyes? What are we doing? We sing songs that we are sold out for Christ, but are we really? Do we really know His love because if we did, we would want everyone to experience it. Why are we holding in this treasure that we have? I don’t know about you, but I cannot be complacent. I don’t want to be “good enough.” I don’t want to be the standard and just regular.

There have been times since we moved here that I felt guilty for moving my family. Some days are great and I love it here. Other days, I miss my friends and family so much I feel sick. I feel I took everything and everyone away from them. When I think about Cameron, I cry so much I can’t talk. He is our friend’s son who has special needs. He loved Grisha so much and Grisha loved him. They had a special connection – one that many people never experience in a lifetime. It was true, unconditional love. I think about Cameron looking for Grisha and crying for Grisha and that makes me feel I did this to him. He doesn’t understand and I never want him to feel it was his fault that he doesn’t see Grisha anymore. I feel I ran away and maybe I did not have enough faith that God would protect us. I didn’t stay and just “stand.” I was writing songs and our sweet friend's daughter who is so talented was composing the music. I wanted to do missions in the new church. Things were going so well and it seemed our lives just fell apart in an instant.



After saying all that, I want to tell you that God is faithful even when we are not (2 Timothy 2:13). I know I have shared this with you before and I am sorry if some of you are tired of me saying the same thing. But, I just can’t get over this because He doesn’t have to be. But, this verse says He cannot deny Himself. This is who He IS!! This is not something I am making up to make myself feel better. He truly is faithful when I am not. I don’t believe it just because He said it. Don’t get me wrong. I believe in His word and what He says. I believe everything He says is true. Even when I don’t experience what He says, I hang onto it. But, you can have the knowledge of something, but until you experience it, that is when you realize it is real. I can tell you all day long how much Jesus loves you. But, until you experience His love, you cannot understand it. You can know He says He loves you in the Bible. You can know that people tell you He loves you. But, you cannot really understand until you experience it. So, don’t ever knock down someone’s faith in Jesus. Don’t ever knock down the way someone worships. When they see me dance for Jesus, raise my hands, or fall down on my face or knees, they don’t know where I’ve been or what I’ve been through. They don’t know what God has brought me out of. Never, ever judge the way someone worships. Some people say the way people worship is all for show and attention. Let God be the judge of their heart. Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). I cannot NOT be moved when I am in His presence. Suddenly, everything and everyone is gone. It is just Him and me. I used to care what people thought of me, but now I only want Jesus. I am dancing with Him and Him alone. No one is in the room, but us. Yes, I do it at home too but I also do it corporately because His presence is so thick and intimate at times even in a room full of people. It is like they all fade away and nothing else matters to me but being with Him. Jesus + nothing = everything. The pastor said this and it is so true. You can have all this world, but give me Jesus.

Even though at times I have felt I just fled from everything, God has remained faithful to me. He is not upset with me. He actually showed me many things before we left. He gave me dreams about the bad guys before they started calling my cell phone. He warned me many times the way these people were. He prepared me. He gave me scriptures as well. I felt confident in the direction He was moving us. Even though He reassured me I was doing the right thing by leaving, months later I forget this and feel it was my fault. I also feel at times I was not faithful to Him. But even when I feel I am not faithful, He remains faithful to me. Even when I feel I did not think He was big enough to protect my family, He is not against me. He is still for me.

Since we have moved here, Jesus has overwhelmed us with His love and blessings. We thought we found a church because it was the first one where we felt welcomed and the first one that preached on His love the way we know Jesus to love us. I spoke about what happened when we first got here and the rainbows He kept showing me. He kept reminding me to hang onto His promises. He kept showing me 1111 again (Hebrews 11:11) and every time I saw the numbers, He reminded me that He is faithful. God completely intervened and showed us the church He wants us to be in. A sweet man named Dan called us from a local church. He said the church wanted to buy our children Christmas presents. We had not asked for help with presents. God did all of this. Our family volunteers at a missions place where hundreds of people come to get food and clothes. We are there every week and I am sure we get more of a blessing from the people than they do from us. This place has been amazing for us. The owners know us and shared our story with people. They had already shared our story with a group of ladies who wanted to adopt our family for Christmas. These group of ladies are so awesome. They are so much like me it is unreal. They used to work for Compassion International and now they stay connected through a Bible Study they started with each other. So they have the same heart for missions as I do. Some of them have adopted from other countries just as we have. Some of them homeschool. I cannot wait to get to know them more. One is from Mississippi, went to Belhaven, and danced for Ballet Magnificat!! Ballet Magnificat dances at Crossgates all the time and some are members there. She is now my friend on facebook and we have some of the same friends in MS!!!! Is it not a small world? No, it is a God thing…nothing to do with a small world, because God totally ordained that! This group of women (and their husbands and kids) got each of our children presents and gave our whole family gift cards. I was so amazed at the outpouring of love from them. If ya’ll are reading this, thank you so much! Thank you, thank you, thank you!! You do not know how much we appreciate all of you. I wish I could give you all a really big hug!

Back to the phone call I received from the church… the owners of the place we volunteer at, told this church about our family. They wanted to help and also buy presents. I was shocked and could not believe it. When we went to pick the presents up from the church a few days before Christmas, they brought out so many presents. It literally filled our van up. There were also boxes of food for us. The people were so sweet. Children were helping bring presents to the van and saying, “Merry Christmas.” On Christmas Eve, Mr. Dan called again and said MORE presents had come in. I could not believe it. We could barely take all this in. There was more food and even gift cards for food. Every present that we opened was like the people knew us personally. You would never think these were from strangers. JC got England soccer jerseys. He lived in England as a teenager and played so much soccer there. Samuel also got a soccer jersey, both got Nike shin pads, JC got a soccer ball, and they got soccer goals. Samuel also loves skateboarding and someonegot him shirts that are from a skateboarding company. It was like he was in heaven. Grisha got a shirt that says, “Ukraine” with a Ukrainian flag. I got TWO warm jackets. Gabriel loves super heroes and he probably got every superhero that has ever been made. There were way more presents than this, but that just gives you an idea. These were quality gifts that were not cheap. It would not even matter if they were cheap because they all came from the heart. But, these people spent so much money on the gifts for people they don’t even know. One of my jackets is a Calvin Kline jacket that is so nice I am afraid to get it dirty - haha. JC got tennis shoes that he desperately needed. He goes through shoes every 3 months because of his job. He literally puts holes in the shoes. Did I mention this church is about 5 minutes from our house? I do not know how I never came across it before. But, God completely intervened and showed us a church that already loved us. That is a congregation that we want to be a part of. The way they loved us was amazing and how could we not even try it out? I feel the words thank you just aren't enough for what they have done for us.

We have only been there twice and this is totally our home. God is confirming it over and over to us. The first day I went, God told me some things later on in the day about the church. He says they are searching for Him and they will find Him. They are completely on the right path and when you are looking for God, you find Him (Deut 4:29). It does not mean they do not know who He is now. They do! But, God is showing me that they are learning more of who He is. That is wonderful because we do not want a church that seems to have it all together. We do not want a church that thinks they have it all figured out. We do not want a church where people think they know everything there is to know about God. We want a church that is searching for God. We want a church that is open to what He has for them. This is the church.

They are putting together a video about Hope 2011 and they wanted me to speak in it. I went to the filming yesterday and I was so nervous. This is the reason I am emotional today because what I spoke on brought back memories. It is not a bad thing, but it is like God is bringing me full circle. I need to remember some things and release them to Him. I was driving this morning and a song came on. It was a song that helped me through when I could barely stand. I could hardly sing because I just started crying. I was remembering when things felt so bad that I had to hang onto Jesus. I had to hang onto the words that He told me even if I didn’t feel Him in that moment. I remembered the drive out here that took three days. I had the weight on my shoulders and He gave me music that I needed to hear at the exact time. I have already shared some of the songs on here, but since I am going down memory lane, I want to share them again. If you do not have time to listen to these songs or simply do not want to, just scroll down and finish reading after the songs. I would love for you to listen to some of them when you get the chance, though.















This is another song of hers that I love. It is newer to the radio now and I LOVE IT!









Here is a song we need to hear to remind us not to turn away and not to judge.



Here is one for someone right now.



He Is With You lyrics

There's a time to live
And a time to die
There's a time to laugh
And a time to cry
There's a time for war
And a time for peace
There's a hand to hold
In the worst of these
In the worst of these

Chorus:
He is with you when your faith is dead
And you can't even get out of bed
Or your husband doesn't kiss you anymore
He is with you when your baby's gone
And your house is still and your heart's a stone
Cryin' God, what'd you do that for?
He is with you

There's a time for yes
And a time for no
There's a time to be angry
And a time to let it go
There's a time to run
And a time to face it
There is love to see you
Through all of this

Chorus:
He is with you in the conference room
When the world is coming down on you
And your wife and kids don't know you anymore
And he is with you in the ICU
When the doctors don't know what to do
And it scares you to the core
He is with you

We may weep for a time
But joy will come in the morning
The morning light

Chorus:
He is with you when your kids are grown
When there's too much space and you feel alone
And you're worried if you got it right or wrong
Yes he is with you when you've given up
On ever finding your true love
Someone who feels like home
He is with you

When nothing else is left
And you take your final breath
He is with you

I know those are a lot of songs, but maybe you can come back and listen to them if you don't have time now. Just listen to one and then another time listen to another one until you have been able to get through them.

A quick update:

The three teenagers are now in school. It was a hard decision after homeschooling for so long. They all love it and that makes me feel much better. I pray for them all throughout the day to make the right decisions, to honor God in everything they do, and for God to bring them Christian friends. I know they are going to be mighty warriors for Him even if I don't always see it. I am going to keep praying for them to be on fire for Jesus and not be followers of man.

My mom came during Christmas vacation and we had such a great visit. The children still talk about her and want to see her again soon.

My mother-in-law also came for a visit this month and it was so nice. We had a great visit and we all miss her, too.

I have decided to go to college. I have applied for grants and been accepted into a community college. I will start in the summer 2012.

JC has started on an adult indoor soccer league. He has coached, but he hasn't played on a team in years. He is having to get back in shape. :)

I am taking on a challenge to lose 15 lbs by the last day of March. My mother-in-law and her fiance are joining me in this. Once that date comes, we will make a new goal. I am hoping this will be easier to accomplish by setting small goals at a time.

JC starts Wild at Heart tomorrow evening and I start Captivating Thurs evening. We are so excited and it was like God put icing on the cake for us with this new church. JC is happy to be doing WAH again because it changed him so much. I am happy to start relationships. When I left the filming yesterday of the video, I was so happy and dancing around the house. I have hope for a new season in my life. I have been craving those women friendships and I know God is going to bring them to me. It wasn't until today that I started crying a lot, but I am still hopeful. :)

I received this message on facebook and it is exactly what God is doing in me.

Felt like I was to send you Psalm 30:11 "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness.

As you see there are big changes in our house. Please continue to pray for our family. Thank you for taking the time to read and follow us all these years. And thank you to our new readers who are just joining. I love you all and never forget how much Jesus loves you. He is for you and not against you.